Heroes of the Apocalypse

CAST
Leticia, the guardian angel
Arnold Bartfaanger Mayor of the Great Utopia
Nanette, the Mayor’s girlfriend
Rickie, a friend of Nanette
Tina, a friend of Nanette

Manny “the lizard” McDougal, a man of questionable reputation, who lusts after Nanette, also boss of NOIR, a criminal organization
Nurk, an enforcer in the employ of Manny
Lexy, an enforcer in the employ of Manny
Gimp, an enforcer in the employ of Manny

Dean. a do-gooder hired by the Mayor to deliver the Great Utopia from the clutches of NOIR
Zera, the heroine of the tale

SCENE 1

THE GRANDSTAND OVERLOOKING THE CITY OF UTOPIA. THE CEREMONY TO DEDICATE THE NEW CITY IS ABOUT TO BEGIN. LETICIA ENTERS

LETICIA

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. This evening, as you know is Halloween, Strange word for a holiday…well, it’s not exactly a holiday is it? I mean you don’t get off work do you? No, halloween is actually an ancient Celtic cross quarter day that celebrates the mingling of spirits from the other world with you humans. But, who are these spirits? Well, you’re looking at one of them. What? I hear you scoffing. I’ll attend to you later. Be quiet please, I am known in the spirit world as Leticia, guardian angel in charge of the Funk Zone, Reds Espressobar and all the surrounding area, Tonight, in celebration of Halloween, I’m going to tell you a story about HIGH HOPES, POMPOSITY, GREED, VIOLENCE, DANGER, ABDUCTION, FEARSOME MONSTERS, and, of course, DELIVERANCE, RESURRECTION and FRIVOLITY. But first let me introduce our cast of characters. (THE CAST JUMPS UP ONTO THE STAGE ON EITHER SIDE OF LETICIA) To my right there’s the honorable Mayor Arnold Bartfaanger of the City of Utopia (MAYOR STEPS FORWARD)..a pompous and morally bankrupt slimebag of the old school. there’s his mistress, Nanette (SHE STEPS FORWARD), say hello Nanette.

Nanette

Hi

LETICIA

An empty-headed schemer with her eye on the public treasury, and her equally self indulgent girlfriends Rickie and Tina (THEY STEP FORWARD AND WAVE). Continuing with the roster of undesirable characters is Manny “the lizard” McDougal (STEPS FORWARD), boss of NOIR, a sinister organization of gangsters and thugs whose sole purpose is self-enrichment and kinky sex. Besides Mr. McDougal are his low life operatives Nurk, Lexy and Gimp. On a more positive note we have Dean Pinkle (STEPS FORWARD), hopeful do-gooder and inventor of useless machinery. And last but not least, Zera (STEPS FORWARD), citizen of Utopia who rises to the challenge and saves the city. Thank you for your kind applause. But now, without further ado, we bring you Heroes of the Apocalypse! (ALL CHARACTERS, EXCEPT THE MAYOR, RUN OFF LEFT AND RIGHT)

MAYOR

My fellow Utopians…Thanks to your generous contributions of time, labor and of course hard earned dollars, we have built the Great Utopia, envy of the family of nations east and west, north and south, above and below, sparkling in the moonlight, impervious to attack…

NANETTE

Arnold,

MAYOR

(TO NANETTE) Just a moment, darling…(TO AUDIENCE) My secretary of Romance, uh..commerce…Though foes may attempt..

NANETTE

You promised we could use the suite in Las Vegas. Utopia is so boring I can’t stand it. Besides…

MAYOR

(TO NANETTE) The cameras are rolling, darling….(TO AUDIENCE) Fiscal responsibility has always been my personal mantra..

TINA AND RICKIE ENTER

TINA

What did he say? Can we go?

NANETTE

Of course we can…

RICKIE

Fabulous, I need to go..these boots are made for dancin’

TINA

And prancin’ (THEY DANCE WITH NANETTE WHO ENDS UP IN THE MAYOR’S ARMS)

MAYOR

It’s not what it seems, my friends. These women are clearly in the employ of a foreign government bent on destroying our Utopian way of life…

NANETTE

No they’re not, Rickie is defense secretary (SHE STRIKES A POSE), and Tina’s ministress of disaster relief..

TINA

It’s not that bad…really. There are cupcakes and margaritas on the way.

MAYOR

(CUES NANETTE TO CALL HIM ON HIS CELLPHONE) You’ll have to excuse me, friends….it’s the red cellphone…terrorists have struck…(TAKES RED CELLPHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET).

NURK CLIMBS UP ON A LADDER WITH A POLE. HANGING FROM A STRING ON THE END IS A BOMB

RICKIE

Is there a war?

THERE IS THE SOUND OF AN EXPLOSION. LIGHTS ON THE CITY FLASH.

MAYOR

What the…Who did this? Who among you was the perpetrator? Secretary Rickie, arrest them!

THEY RUN OFF IN SEARCH OF PERPETRATORS

SCENE 2

LETICIA ENTERS

LETICIA

Meanwhile our cast of unsavory characters hatch their evil plan to extort protection money from the defenseless metropolis.

MANNY, GIMP AND LEXY CLIMB UP ONTO THE GRANDSTAND OBVIOUSLY GLOATING AT THE SUCCESS OF THEIR ATTACK.

MANNY

Beautiful…look at that.. A plume of smoke, noise, screamin’ you gotta love it.

GIMP

Nice

LEXY

This should scare the shit out of ‘em

MANNY

One more blast and we’ll have ‘em eatin’ outta our hands. (NURK CLIMBS UP ON THE GRANDSTAND) Good work Nurk..

NURK

Thanks boss, it was fun. Say, what are we askin’ for?

MANNY

We are not askin’. We are demandin’ the usual…cash and concubines. Either they deliver by tomorrow morning or we take out the entire place with rockets..

GIMP

And stink bombs…

MANNY

Not stink bombs, you clown…Lexy here has developed a secret remote controller unit that can turn any household item into a weapon of mass destruction.

LEXY TAKES SECRET CONTROLLER OUT OF HER BELT AND HOLDS IT UP.

MANNY

Gimme that top hat. (GIMP TAKES OFF HIS HAT AND HANDS IT TO MANNY). Lexy, fire away.

LEXY

Right boss…(SHE PRESSES THE BUTTON, LIGHTS FLASH, IT MAKES A BUZZING SOUND AND STOPS)

MANNY

What’s wrong with it?

LEXY

I don’t know, it was workin’ before..

NURK

Here, gimme that thing. (HE TAKES IT FROM LEXY AND THE HAT IMMEDIATELY CATCHES ON FIRE). There, how about that?

MANNY

I like it. Allright, get the Mayor on the phone. (LEXY TAKES OUT PHONE AND DIALS)

LEXY

Listen carefully. If you don’t meet us on the grandstand in 5 minutes or less, we will blow your city to smithereens…NOIR…This is Noir…no…

MANNY

Christ, gimme that. This is Manny “the lizard”…you heard what we said. meet us or else.. (HANGS UP) That, you reptiles it how it’s done.

SCENE 3

LETICIA ENTERS

LETICIA

Threatened with the extinction of all he holds dear, the Mayor prepared to confront the villainous gangsters of NOIR.

THE MAYOR ENTERS AND CLIMBS ONTO GRANDSTAND

MAYOR

Who are you people?..and what are you doing on my grandstand?

MANNY

(POINTS TO NANETTE) Who is she?

MAYOR

None of your business

MANNY

Grab her!  NURK AND LEXY GRAB NANETTE

NANETTE

Ow! Let me go! Help, Arnold!

MAYOR

What would it take to get you to let her go.

MANNY

All your money…and any suites you may have in Vegas.

MAYOR

I’m not doing that.

NANETTE

You’re hurting me.

MANNY

Cash and concubines?

MAYOR

What do we get in return?

MANNY
We don’t kill you.

MAYOR

Done… (THEY RELEASE NANETTE)

MANNY

We’ll be watching you.. (THEY EXIT)

MAYOR

My friends, there has been a great calamity…Evildoers have threatened to detonate an explosive device somewhere in Utopia unless we hand over a trillion dollars and strippers from the Kit Kat Club. We have no choice but to accede to their demands or our way of life is doomed….

NANETTE

Are you going to give it to them?

MAYOR

Of course not…we don’t negotiate with terrorists…We’ll use the money for research…in Vegas.

SCENE 4

MANNY, GIMP, LEXY CLIMB UP ONTO THE UTOPIA STAGE

MANNY

This is pissin’ me off. Where the hell’s our cash and concubines?

LEXY

(DIALING HER CELLPHONE. THERE IS A RECORDED MESSAGE: “THANK YOU FOR CONTACTING UTOPIA. YOUR CALL IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US. TRY BACK IN 2-6 WEEKS. THANK YOU AND GOOD BYE”) They’re not answering.

MANNY

Sons of bitches..

GIMP

I say we put laughing gas in the ventilation system at city hall.

MANNY

Don’t be ridiculous, they’re already laughin’ their way to the bank…with our money. Nurk? (NURK ENTERS)

NURK

Yeah?..what’s the plan?

MANNY

You know those airplanes we got?

NURK

Yeah

MANNY

Get ‘em out. We got a job fer ‘em. We’re going to load ‘em up with buzz bombs and get these people runnin’ for their lives. Then we’re gonna have another talk with Mr. Baartfanger.

SCENE 5

LETICIA ENTERS

LETICIA

Making good on his evil plan to wreak havoc on the once proud city of Utopia, Manny “the lizard” and his crew of immoral henchmen bombarded the city with airborne ordinance.

LEXY, GIMP, AND NURK HAND OUT POLES WITH AIRPLANES SUSPENDED FROM THEM, BOMBS AND OTHER DRAMATIC ARMAMENTS THAT CAN BE TRAINED ON THE CITY BY THE AUDIENCE.

MANNY

Allright, everybody, do your worst! I wanna hear some noise.

EXPLOSIONS ROCK THE CITY. THERE IS FLASHING LIGHT, SMOKE AND SOME BUILDINGS FALL.

NANETTE

Rickie, do something!

RICKIE STARTS TO DO A SEXY DANCE NUMBER. DEAN ENTERS, GETS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE AND ENDS UP DIPPING NANETTE.

NANETTE

Who are you?

DEAN

I’m sorry, I was just…
NANETTE

You were just what?

DEAN

I heard the noise..

RICKIE

Wanna be a general?

DEAN

I don’t really have any experience..

RICKIE

So…

NANETTE

This is terrible…we’ll never get to Vegas…

DEAN

Maybe if we did something to thwart the terrorists…

RICKIE

What?

DEAN

I don’t know…something to scare them…like a giant statue or something..

NANETTE
What would that do? There are statues all over Utopia.

DEAN

But those are statues of the Mayor…we need a statue of something really scary, like a monster…

RICKIE

With big teeth..

TINA

And sharp claws..

NANETTE

Yeah, there could be loud sounds that come from it..like growling…

NANETTE, TINA AND RICKIE START TO GROWL.

DEAN

Yeah, like that..

NANETTE

Brilliant! You’re so smart…what’s your name?

DEAN

Dean….Dean Pinkle..

TINA

Nice to meet you Dean..

MAYOR ENTERS

MAYOR

All is lost…I need a bunker…Jesus, where’s my firearm?

NANETTE

Honey, wait a minute

MAYOR

Don’t bother me now…I’m looking for my pistol…

NANETTE

Dean has an idea.

MAYOR

Who the hell is Dean?

NANETTE

He was just dancing with Rickie

MAYOR

For god’s sake this is an emergency.

NANETTE

Tell him, Dean

DEAN

I’ve always admired public service.
MAYOR

Get out of here.

DEAN

Sir, I was thinking

MAYOR

Don’t think, arm yourself…everyone should have a firearm at this moment.

DEAN

{PICKS UP PISTOL OFF THE STAGE) Is this what you’re looking for?

MAYOR

Ah, duck!…

DEAN

No, I didn’t mean…

NANETTE

Dean has a plan

MAYOR

Plan, what is your plan?

DEAN

We need a fearsome statue…of a monster..

MAYOR

Monster…yes…we need monster…

DEAN

I have one…behind my garage…I was going use it for my wife’s birthday party…

MAYOR

Well get it out..we need it now….I’ll make you Prime Minister if this works…

NANETTE

But you said I could be Prime Minister

MAYOR

Quiet darling…you can both be prime minsters..(TO DEAN) Get the monster and get it now!

SCENE 6

DEAN UNVEILS THE MONSTER STATUE TO THE APPLAUSE OF THE PEOPLE

MAYOR

And now, my friends..the moment you have all been waiting for..the savior of Utopia..the  Mayor Arnold Baartfanger Fearsome Monster that saves the people and restores prosperity!

LIGHTS UP ON THE MONSTER

MANNY ENTERS WITH LEXY, GIMP AND NURK

MANNY

Nurk..Gimp…grab those broads. (THEY GRAB NANETTE, TINA AND RICKIE) Now tie ‘em up and put ‘em in that thing. Lexy!

LEXY

Yeah boss

MANNY

Get out that remote control…

LEXY

Here it is..

MANNY

Make that thing into an instrument of mass destruction!

LEXY

Here goes!

THE REMOTE CONTROL FLASHES, BUZZES AND FINALLY MAKES A LOUD SOUND THAT ACTIVATES THE MONSTER. THE MONSTER BEGINS TO MOVE TOWARD THE CITY. FIRE SHOOTS OUT OF ONE OF ITS CLAWS, SCORCHING THE BUILDINGS OF UTOPIA.

MAYOR

Dastardly beasts. Dammit! Someone help!…I appeal to you all…if you love Utopia as much as I do…Save us..step forward…give your life for the betterment of all!

THE MONSTER BASHES THE CITY WITH ITS  CLAWS AS NURK, GIMP AND LEXY SMASH IT WITH CLUBS.

NANNETTE, TINA AND RICKIE

Help us..Help us!!!

MAYOR

Dean, damn you…do something!
DEAN

The lever!…There’s a lever on the monster’s leg…

MAYOR

What does it do?

DEAN

It…

EVERYONE FREEZES

LETICIA

As you can see, things had become dire…the city was on the verge of destruction…Nanette, Tina and Rickie were imprisoned in the belly of the beast, the Mayor was hysterical, Manny and his bloodthirsty crew were firmly in command, Dean’s monster had so far failed to save Utopia, and then…(DRUMROLL) From the midst of the crowd a young woman came forward

ZERA

I’d like to help

MAYOR

Get away…who are you?

ZERA

My name is Zera…I have no experience with saving things, but a guardian angel came to me while I was sleeping…

LETICIA

This is the cool thing about being a guardian angel….shit hits the fan and you get to intervene.
ZERA

I think I see the lever…I think I can reach it.

SHE CROSSES TO THE MONSTER, GRABS THE LEVER AND THE CHAOS RESUMES.

ZERA

There! (SHE PULLS THE LEVER AND THE DESTRUCTION STOPS). Now, I think I can…(SHE UNLOCKS THE MONSTER AND FREES NANETTE AND HER FRIENDS)

MAYOR

Success! We’ve achieved success…thanks to sober management of the crisis by yours truly..

NANETTE

Shut up Arnold!

MAYOR

What? Who are you talking to?

NANETTE

I’m talking to you. You’re as bad as those creeps from NOIR. In fact, I’d be surprised if you weren’t one of them. Rickie, arrest them. (RICKIE AND TINA GRAB MANNY, GIMP, LEXY AND NURK). Thanks to Zera we’re all free and our city is saved. Zera for Mayor!

MAYOR

You can’t do that. I was the choice of the people.

NANETTE

Let the people speak…Who do you choose…Arnold “the sleaseball” Baartfanger?..or Zera, savior of our city? (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS FOR ZERA). Arnold, you’ve been impeached by the will of the people.

LETICIA

And so, thanks to me, the city of Utopia was saved, the evil perpetrators were arrested and the corrupt and venal Mayor Baartfanger was removed from office. And when the debris was cleared, the City of Utopia arose again from the ashes of destruction.

NANETTE, TINA, DEAN, RICKIE AND ZERA CLEAR THE DEBRIS AND DANCE ON THE RUINS OF THE CITY.

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